Day 1054 | Speech Therapy

After our meeting yesterday, Robbe is officially starting speech therapy. He has an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) for the next year. It was a heavy day. After two months of various assessments, phone calls, meetings, and emails, we've got a plan for our sweet three year old: he'll start one-on-one speech therapy through the end of the school year and then will start at a speech + language focused preschool (the only one like it in the state) in the fall.

I'm filled with mixed emotions about all of this. First and foremost, I'm feeling relieved. I've known for a year and a half that his speech wasn't forming the same way Chase's had. I told myself (as did countless others), that every child is different. He's probably fine. So we waited on any action. We gave him time. Now he's three and we all could tell frustration was mounting over not being able to communicate his more complex thoughts. Now we have reassurance from professionals that, with some focused assistance, he'll make progress and probably [hopefully] catch up quickly and get back on track. That's exactly what we wanted + needed to hear.

So, aside from relief and joy for my little guy finally getting the help he needs, I've got *just a few* other emotions that I'm trying to sort out in my tends-to-over-analyze mind.

My guilt:

Did I do something to create this challenge for our little guy (someone or something must be to blame after all). Here's what I've come up with as the possible reasons that our situation *may have* exacerbated his delay (insane or not):

• Having babies close together: Chase and Robbe spend a lot of time together. Like, a lot a lot. They love it. And I love it. But I can't help but think having them close together has meant Chase talks for Robbe a lot and fills the silence with his own words so much that Robbe hasn't had as much opportunity for finding his own voice.
• Staying at home with him: has my ability to predict his every need and translate his unrecognizable words and actions slowed his need to communicate? If he was forced into an environment where he had a different caregiver or kids he wasn't around as often, would he have been encouraged to communicate in a clearer fashion? Or maybe he just would have been more frustrated and started withdrawing. Who knows, right?
• Not enough one-on-one time: I remember having a conversation with Chris when Robbe was about nine-ish months old. Chris would come home from work and want so badly to play with the boys. Chase ate that time up. Robbe? He was so content doing his own thing that when you tried to insert yourself into his play, he would leave and find something else to do: alone. And, although he now enjoys playing with anyone and everyone, he's still so content to just be that it's a hard balance of recognizing he needs (and craves) this down time so he doesn't get over-stimulated and amped up. Maybe more interaction when he was a little guy with the abc's and one-on-one discussions would have allowed his speech barrier to break down without intervention. Just maybe?
• Thumb sucking: as of last month, Robbe is officially done sucking his thumb. Yay! But I can't help but wonder if I would have been proactive in nipping the habit in the bud earlier that it would have benefited his speech. 

My fears:

More than anything, I just want Robbe to be a happy + healthy little man. If I could take this on for him, I totally would, but, alas, I cannot and therefore I'm also filled with these anxieties:

• Struggling with the challenge: no parent wants their little one to have to go through challenges. I know these bumps in the road of life build character and encourage hard work, resilience, etc, but I'm pretty sure if you, as a parent, could choose a smooth, clear, sunny road for your child, you would. I know he'll get through this. I'm just sad that he has to. 
• Wondering if it’ll get easier for him: as much as the speech therapist can reassure, and my gut instinct can tell me, that he'll catch on quickly and be over this hurdle before he is even old enough to remember it, I still worry. I don't want these challenges to overshadow him living his little toddler-life the way he wants to (and I want him to!).  
• Figuring out the best way to help him: I'm hoping [with every part of my being] that this speech therapy track will help our little guy. There are so many options for speech intervention (the preschool, one on one therapy, home programs, + more), that I hope we're on the right track with the right plan for him. 

There it is. You can all tell me (and some have) that none of this is my/our fault. I hear that. I really do. But, no matter how logical and reasonable that seems, doubt creeps in. I've learned in my five years of being a mom that you can find a way to blame yourself for practically everything. We're a lucky bunch, aren't we? 

I'll keep you all posted as our journey through speech therapy progresses. I'm hopeful. I'd appreciate all of your optimistic thoughts, too. :)